New Job Opportunity For You: Join The Trump Administration

Are you ready for a fast-paced, glamorous “career” where every day feels like the season finale of a zany reality show? Do you have thick skin, an affinity for riling up social media anger, and the ability to dodge questions like a pro? If so, we want YOU to join the Trump Administration!

Position: Might be a Cabinet post, might be an outside bureaucrat, we’ll address this later

Location: Yeah, we’re not real committed to specifics here either, but it definitely won’t be remote work

Job Description:

• Communications Wizardry: You’ll be the one to spin a tornado into a light breeze. “Alternative facts” will be your second language, and correcting the record? We never do that.

• Press Secretary Extraordinaire: Do you love handling the press while saying, “Well, that's not true, but let’s move on”? Great! You'll be our next hero—or villain—depending on the day. Also, if you’re adept at hiding in bushes that’s a plus!

• Policy Shifter: Flexible policy-making with a side of unpredictability. What is a policy anyway? Is it just a suggestion? What even are regulations? We aren’t entirely certain but we hate them!

• Super Social Media Savant: Do you enjoy a good Twitter feud before breakfast? Do you USE CAPITAL LETTERS LIKE THEY’RE GOING OUT OF STYLE ESPECIALLY FOR RUN-ON SENTENCES THAT COULD HAVE USED PUNCTUATION LIKE TWO LINES AGO AND ARE TYPPOS ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS THEN YOU’LL FIT RIGHT IN THE COVFEFE

Requirements:

• Be a billionaire or just REALLY REALLY love billionaires

• Ability to wear a red tie for any occasion. Seriously, we won’t accept blue.

• A history of sexual assault accusations made against you **BIG PLUS**

• Wearing makeup in public (badly).

• Comfort in speaking with complete confidence—even when you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

• Ability to blame "the deep state," “the deep state bureaucrats” “communists” and various marginalized groups (especially ones with lots of pigmentation in their skin) for anything. Literally anything.

• Experience with being tangentially and unabashedly connected to Russians, Saudis, various dictators, or other adversaries to the U.S.

Perks:

• All-you-can-eat "winning" buffet (though we may or may not be winning, but we will insist we are).

• Get your criminal cases dismissed! (*only applies to the guy at the top)

• VIP access to golf courses. Lots of them. You don’t even need to play. Just look important.

• A non-stop rollercoaster of drama, intrigue, and occasional surprise firings—never a dull moment!

Apply Today: If you’re ready to make your career as unpredictable as the next tweet, submit your resume and a cover letter in the form of a press release. Or just be a regular on Fox News. Or just walk up to him at Mar-a-Lago and start talking. Seriously, he actually loves that. No need to make sense, just make it sound impressive.

Trump Administration is an equal opportunity employer—just as long as you're loyal to Trump and are ethnically appropriate to be seen on camera near him.